Glossary of Terms  
  A useful reference guide to help you with your understanding of all things  
  linked to The Ali Club and Golf in general. Click on your favourite letter.  

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  Ali Club - A few blokes after a few laughs, a few beers, oh and the odd round of golf. Established 1996.  
  Ali Club Trophy - Prestigious pairs trophy competed for on an annual basis.  
  Andy Plus Fours Cannon - A senior golfer renowned for being a dapper dresser and no-one will forget his Plus Fours in 2001.  
  Anniversary - Something to be celebrated especially if it's related to golf.  
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  Back Door - After caressing the lip of the hole, drop in off the rear edge.  
  Backspin - The spin on the ball caused by the clubface. Stops the ball moving forward when it lands and in extreme cases makes it travel backwards. Never intentionally achieved by an Ali Club Member.  
  Backswing - The first part of the golf swing when the club is taken away from the ball, slowly, rhythmically, consistently, perfectly every time.  
  Bald Eagle - Bazza, a golfer renowned for talking on the course - must be worthy of a yellow card. A Love Doctor  
  Ball Machine - The means by which partners and playing groups are drawn.  
  Barnham Broom - The tour venue of 2006 (Tour 11), lead by Captain Pete, won by John and Pete  
  Barry S - A golfer renowned for making 4 tour appearances before retiring.  
  Beer Gatherings - The regular get-togethers formerly known as meetings but now better attended, I wonder why?  
  Belton Woods I - The tour venue of 1997 (Tour 2), lead by Captain Bazza, won by Mick and Vic.  
  Belton Woods II - The tour venue of 2003 (Tour 8), lead by Captain Mick, won by Andy and Gazza.  
  Best Individual Round - A tour trophy at stake for this achievement.  
  Birdie - One stroke under the designated par. Very rare in Ali Club land.  
  Bogey - One stroke over the designated par. Expected from the eighteen handicapper.  
  Brian A - A senior golfer renowned for founding the Ali Club and making 6 tour appearances before retiring.  
  Breadsall Priory - The tour venue of '98 (Tour 3), lead by Captain Victor, won by John and Bazza.  
  Buggy - Method of getting clubs around the course, favoured by the elderly and incapacitated who are rich enough.  
  Bunker - A depression covered in sand - golfers know that Hitler wasn't the first or last to get killed in one.  
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  Caddy - A person that carries a player's clubs and often keeps score. A good one understands that less is more.  
  Calendar Boys - Quality gift to the wives in '02 and '03 featuring the Ali Club boys in all their glory.   
  Calendar Girls - Quality gift awaited from the Ali Club wives - they don't have to be in it.  
  Captain - Prestigious post elected on tour each year giving full responsibility for the next year's tour.  
  Captain's Trophy - Every Ali Club Captain is presented on Tour with a tombstone style onyx trophy in appreciation of their year's service to the membership.  
  Carry - Distance a ball must travel from where it is hit to where it lands on the ground over a hazard. Also what you have to do when you have a useless partner.  
  Carrying - Method of getting clubs around the course, favoured by the hard and poor.  
  Chequers - Preferred venue for Ali Club beer gatherings.  
  Chip - A short shot of low trajectory.  
  Chippin' Chris - Chippin' Chris a Senior golfer renowned for his performances off rather than on the course except for his short shots of low trajectory.  
  Committee - A body which is nameless and faceless but it's decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.  
  Constitution - Forget the R & A rules this is where it's at when it comes to the Ali Club.  
  Count back - Method of deciding winner where total scores are tied. Back 9, then 6, 3, 2, 1 if required until a clear leader emerges. Particularly painful where an Ali Club Trophy is lost on one.  
  Countdown Clock - The famous Ali Club web-site clock starts ticking down to the first tee-off on tour as soon as it has been arranged, normally with 6 months to go.  
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  Dimples - Those little nipples found on your golf balls which make them fly further by reducing aerodynamic drag. You can tell if your balls are genuine - each one should have 330 dimples.  
  Divot - A piece of turf cut out by a club head during a bad shot. As a rule the ball should go farther than the divot.  
  Dog-leg - Bend in the fairway, either to the right or left. For sure you will bend your shot the wrong way.  
  Double Bogey - The expected score of the high twenties handicapper but not often achieved by the high twenties handicappers in the Ali Club.   
  Downswing - The part of the golf swing from the top of the back swing to the impact with the ball. Many variations seen on Tour. If only we could come back down on the same line that we go back.  
  Draw - A controlled strike taking the ball from right to left during flight. Not witnessed yet on an Ali Club Tour.   
  Dress Code - Jackets, Shirts, Ties and Formal Shoes to be worn to dinner on tour.  
  Driver - The biggest boy in the bag and who said size doesn't matter?  
  Driving Range - Where the Ali Club members should practice but more likely to be the distance they can go on a full tank of petrol.  
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  Eagle - Two strokes under the designated par. The most famous on tour achieved by" the bald one" during a Texas scramble in 2001.  
  Eighteen Holes - A long, slow walk punctuated by occasional moments of optimism but generally characterised by crushing disappointment. A round.  
  Ernie Els - One of only two honorary Ali Club Members who makes us all feel very grateful - that although we don't have his golfing skills we also don't have his looks or accent.  
  Etiquette - The golfing code of conduct - never miss your round.  
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  Fade - Reverse of a draw and just as rare on Ali Club Tours.  
  Fairway - Central piece of ground between tee and green normally bordered by rough. Not often visited by Ali Club members.   
  Five Lakes - The tour venue of 2002 (Tour 7), lead by Captain Pete, won by Chris and Bazza.  
  Flag - A moveable marker in the hole on each green. In deference to our performances the flag should always be flown at half mast. Sometimes referred to as the pin.  
  Follow Through - We've all been there and it's not to be recommended unless controlled. The action after initial impact.  
  Fore - The cry of an Ali Club Member as his ball hurtles towards another golfer, nowhere near where he intended his shot to go.  
  Forest of Arden - The tour venue of 2004 (Tour 9), lead by Captain Kev, won by Kev and Gazza.  
  Foursome - Four mates playing a round with each other, preferably mixed.  
  Fringe - Grass area that borders the green. Also called the apron, and you know how easy it is to mess up an apron.   
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  Gazza The Driver - A senior golfer renowned for being a fine driver in the car and sometimes on the course.  
  Gimme - A putt so short, inconsequential and unmissable but never conceded on tour. Putt out.  
  Gin 'n Tonic - The preferred late night tipple of the stayers within the Ali Club.   
  Golf - The great game. The dream of our week-end round gets us through the working week only for us to wonder why we bothered turning up when it invariably goes wrong on the Saturday or Sunday.  
  Golf Ball - The round object struck by the club; 1,68 inches in diameter; 1.62 ounces in weight; the more expensive it is the worse you feel when you inevitably lose it.  
  Golf Glove - The must have accessory to improve grip unless of course you think your hard or can't find one big enough to cover your banana hands.   
  Golf Shoes - Footwear specifically designed with spikes to aid balance on hotel restaurant carpets. - The preferred supplier of Ali Club golf breaks, if the price is right.  
  Green - The putting surface which contains the hole or cup. Preferable not to take more than two shots on it per hole. Embarrassing to lose a ball on the green.  
  Ground Under Repair - Usually a relief that you can claim relief and take a free drop as you didn't really want your ball to be where it had landed anyway. Time to mow the lawn.  
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  Hacker - One who hacks at the ball rather than plays orthodox golf strokes. We've all been there and sometimes return. Enough said.   
  Handicaps - The number of strokes a player receives to adjust his scoring ability and make everyone equal. Maximum 28. The golf course is the only place where a handicap is not a handicap.  
  Hawaii 50 - The ripe old age at which Ali Club members become Seniors and can compete for the Hawaii Cup.  
  Hawaii Board -  Chippin' Chris a senior golfer renowned for his performances off rather than on the course except for his short shots of low trajectory. A Love Doctor.  
  Hawaii Cup -  Seniors trophy awarded to the old individual with the most net pars or better over three days on tour.    
  Hazard - Made of sand or water with a magnetic force that just makes it irresistible not to go into them.  
  Heaven - Where all golfers should go - that golf club in the sky.   
  History - 10 Years of Ali Club successes and failures are there to be seen in the record books and can never be taken away.  
  Hole - A round receptacle in the green, four and a quarter inches in diameter and no more than four inches deep. It is the only thing in nature that gets smaller the closer you get to it.  
  Hole In One - The golfers dream and only achieved by two Ali Club members, twice each. It'll cost you a round.  
  Holy Joes - Group of golfers who The Ali Club compete with each year and also combine with to make the St James The Great Golf Society.  
  Honorary Officers - Prestigious unpaid posts consisting of General Secretary / Website Administrator, Treasurer and Handicap Secretary. Elected annually.  
  Hooch - The preferred tipple of certain lightweight apres-golfers.  
  Hook - Severe shot moving from right to left, most often illustrated by Old Vic.   
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  Injuries - Every golfers worst nightmare. Three casualties who have had to pull out of tours to date - Hawaii Bill - wrist, Saint Walks on Water - hand and Bald Eagle - knee.  
  Irons - Set of metal clubs, generally 3 to 9 plus Sand and Pitching wedge. Enough clubs for some golfers to get round a course, like Mike Irons Rafferty.   
  Itinerary - Every Tour should have one and even then it's no guarantee that everyone will turn up in the right place at the right time.  
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  J C - A golfer renowned for one guest appearance in '02 before retiring, mate of Brian A.  
  Jack - The dreaded card that signals the election of the Captain for the following year. Always dealt by Old Vic at 11pm on the last evening of tour.   
  Jeans - Not allowed on the course and certainly against Ali Club evening dress code on tour.  
  Joker - Bonus hole selected by each member during Ali Club special tournaments resulting in double stableford points.   
  Jugs - While the Claret one is the most famous, others filled with lager or milk are always popular - the bigger the better.    
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  K O - A golfer renowned for dedication to getting better epitomised by him practicing on Boxing Day.  
  Keith - A golfer renowned for one guest appearance in 2000 before retiring, mate of Saint.  
  Kick - We all only seem to get bad ones and I don't just mean at home. There again, we'd give up if we didn't have excuses for our poor performances.  
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  Leader board - The Ali Club scoreboard is legendary with the lead often changing hands from day to day with the eventual successes and failures being there for all to see.  
  Le Touquet I - The tour venue of 2000 (Tour 5), lead by Capitain Davide, won by Bazza and Brian.  
  Le Touquet II - The tour venue of 2005 (Tour 10), lead by Captain Saint.  
  Lessons - Professionals still need them so I guess we do too. Just look at Kev and Gazza to see what a fine investment they can be.   
  Lip Out - Such a tease, almost there but don't actually enter the hole.  
  Longest Drive - Daily competition on tour but just make sure you stay on the fairway to claim the cash.   
  Lost Ball - If there was a competition on tour to see who could lose the most balls it would be hotly contested. Anyway balls aren't really lost we know they're out there somewhere on the course.  
  Love Doctors - Chris & Bazza, always on call to listen to your sexual problems and give therapy or recommend treatment. First surgery was held at Le Touquet II  
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  Major - There may be 4 worldly recognised tournaments but the Ali Club Tour is a little known gem which should be right up there with them.  
  Mark C - A golfer renowned for one guest appearance in '02 before retiring, brother of Andy.  
  Mates - It doesn't matter one bit how bad your golf is, at least you're out with your mates.  
  May Bank Holiday II - The official weekend date for the annual Ali Club Tour.  
  Members - Within The Ali Club by invitation only, a bit like Augusta. Tour guests normally progress to full members depending on performance - in the bar.  
  Mike Irons Rafferty - A golfer renowned for his dedication to only using irons. Lacking when it comes to a wood.  
  Minutes - The minutes of all Ali Club Beer Gatherings are published on the World Wide Web as a definitive record of everything agreed. Usually written before the beer gatherings take place.   
  Mobile Bill  - A senior golfer renowned for his constant use of the mobile phone and unfortunate run of injuries.   
  Motorised Trolley - Method of getting clubs around the course, favoured by the elderly and incapacitated who are not rich enough to afford a buggy.   
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  Naughty Nick - A golfer renowned for his dedication to Stella, that's the lager not his wife.  
  Nearest The Pin - Daily competition on tour but just make sure you are on the green to claim the cash.   
  Never Up Never In - If you don't get up to the hole you can't possibly get it in, also applies to golf.  
  New Forest I - The tour venue of 1996 (Tour 1), lead by Captain Ali, won by Vic and Mick.  
  New Forest II - The tour venue of 2001 (Tour 6), lead by Captain Cluett, won by Pete and Andy.  
  Nineteenth Hole - Where the serious business begins on tour and continues long into every night.  
  No Messin' John - A senior golfer renowned for his dedication to protecting our cash.  
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  O J - A senior golfer renowned for his dedication to trying to stay awake.  
  Old Vic - A senior golfer renowned for his dedication to helping others with useful tips, regularly.  
  Out Of Bounds - Not where you want to be. Take a penalty and another stroke off the tee or where you last shot from or just concede. There's always the next hole. Some members' white legs have been mistaken for OOB posts.  
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  Par - The number of shots a scratch player should take for a round, typically 72. Holes are Par 3, 4 or 5. All very interesting but rather irrelevant to Ali Club members.   
  Parts -  Term of endearment abbreviated from Partner and reserved for one's other half on tour to promote camaraderie and team spirit.  
  Paul The  Bear - A golfer renowned for being the first Ali Club member to do in the woods what all bears do. Two other members are known to have followed suit as opposed to through, since Paul. 8 Tours before retiring.  
  Pitch - A bit like a chip but leaves a nasty indentation on the green which must be repaired before putting out.  
  Player Stats - Detailed records are maintained for all members and presented in league table form, tour stat reports and against each members' profile to inspire improvement.  
  Practice - A good idea if you are to survive late into the night on tours. However, difficult to replicate in advance the pressure of the real thing on tour.  
  Punch - Not what you do to your partner when he lets the side down. It's a shot hit lower than usual, played by putting ball back in stance and truncating the follow through.  
  Pull - Shot that goes straight right due to an imperfect swing as opposed to something we're all to old to do.   
  Pull Trolley - Method of getting clubs around the course, favoured by the young and healthy.   
  Push - Shot that goes straight left due to an imperfect swing as opposed to something we sometimes need.   
  Putt - The shot to the hole on the green. One is a result, two - regulation, three - forgivable, four - inexcusable. It is the shortest shot but normally takes the longest time.  
  Putter - The club with which to execute the putt. Comes in many shapes and sizes - a bit like golfers.  
  Puttin' Pete - A golfer renowned for his performance with the putter. But no-one suggested good performance.  
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  Quadruple Bogey - That's 4 shots more than you should take, 7 on a par 3, 8 on a par 4, 9 on a par 5 etc. Usually a few on tour but not to be celebrated on the course under any circumstances - time to retire to the nineteenth hole.   
  Quick Greens - Championship greens, which should be avoided, measure 12 on the stimpmeter compared to less than 10 on a slow green.  
  Quiet Please - Always remain silent when a fellow member is addressing the ball. Impossible for certain members.  
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  Relief -  To some, it's getting into the woods during the round. To others, it's getting into the bar at the end of the round. To the rest, it's being allowed to lift and then drop your ball in another area without penalty.  
  Role of Honour - Ali Club champions paraded in all their glory in The Hall of Fame. Mick and Bazza hold the record of having been there 3 times each. 3 members have won it twice. Some members have never been there.  
  Rough - The area of tall grass off the fairway that we just can't resist visiting.  
  Rounds - Four each on tour. That's 56 drinks per person.  
  Ryder Cup - The greatest team golf competition of them all, almost. You forgot the Ali Club Annual Tour.  
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  Saint Walks on Water - A golfer renowned for his dedication to being so laid back he probably could walk on water without even realising it.  
  Scorecard - The individual record of each persons round. Hopefully with a legible name written on it and at least 90% accuracy.  
  Seaford - The venue of the annual Ali Club visit to the seaside and attempt at Links golf.  
  Seniors - The Hawaii 50's within the Ali Club. Unfortunately a fast increasing number of old gits.  
  Shanker - One who hits the ball off the hosel of the club, usually sharp left or right and not very far.  
  Shirts - Tour shirts carrying the Ali Club emblem are usually worn on the Saturday of tours and demonstrate the incredible camaraderie which exists within the club. Also worn for Club matches and when clubbing.  
  Singleton - Billy no mates. As great as golf is, you should never let things get so bad that you have to play with yourself.  
  Slice - Severe shot moving from left to right, invariably leaving the golfer in deep trouble.  
  St James Open - Annual stableford competition held at Shoreham in November. The society is predominantly made up of members of the Ali Club and the Holy Joes.  
  St Pierre - The tour venue of 1999 (Tour 4), lead by Captain Vincent the dummy, won by Mick and John.  
  Stableford - The points scoring system that means that if you have a total blow out on a hole you can put it behind you and still post a fantastic, possibly winning, score.  
  Standing Orders - The preferred method for Ali Club members to save for each year's tour. Too difficult for some members to comprehend.  
  Stimpmeter - The device for measuring the speeds of greens. A ball is rolled down a device at an angle of 20 degrees across a level segment of green, the stimp rating being the number of feet travelled.  
  Strokesaver - Book of pretty pictures of each hole on the course with measurements to the green . To be of any use, other than as a keepsake, assumes we can hit each club the same distance every time and know how far.  
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  Tee - The aid for launching the ball into orbit at the start of each hole. Unfortunately cannot be used to assist with subsequent shots. Also the area that you start each hole from.  
  Teeth - A golfer renowned for a great set of "teeth", which he takes out at night, and the lowest handicap on tour, otherwise known as Stefan.  
  Ten Tours Club - Exclusive Club consisting of Ali Club Members who have completed 10 Tours   
  Texas Scramble - Team game which should result in low net score due to four players having a go at each shot.  
  Threesome - Every golfers dream, although scoring can get complicated. Two women is preferable. Bazza, Mick and Chris at Barnham Broom 2006  
  Tiger Woods - One of only two honorary Ali Club Members and what an inspiration he is to us all - to look after and develop our bodies, to play magnificent golf and to find a great looking fit partner.  
  Top Shelf - No Ali Club tour would be complete without a bar session taking on the top shelf, left to right.   
  Tradition - What the Ali Club stands for. New ones are often added but once created they are rarely removed.  
  Trees - Those course obstacles apparently consisting of 90% air that we just love to hit or get stuck behind.  
  Triple Bogey - That's 3 shots more than you should take, 6 on a par 3, 7 on a par 4, 8 on a par 5 etc. Not uncommon on Tour but that's golf.  
  Trophies - Everyone's aspiration on tour. Especially for the honour of displaying the prestigious Ali Club trophy at home for 6 months of the coming year.   
  Two's Pot - Competition over the three days of tour with prize cash to be shared between everyone getting a birdie on a par three, an eagle on a par four or an albatross on a par five.  
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  Uncle Vic - The Ali Club's resident Agony Uncle who's always there with free advice on all things connected or not connected to golf whether you want it or not.  
  Undulating - When the terrain appears so uneven it's uncertain which direction you will travel in. Can apply to the green or the floor in the bar and hotel corridors late at night on tour.   
  Up And Down - Describes most players golf but specifically refers to getting the ball in the hole in 2 shots from anywhere off the green, particularly from a bunker.    
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  V I P Treatment - Best room in the hotel on tour reserved for The Captain. Comes complete with Jacuzzi, mini bar, balcony, goblin teas made, masseur etc.  
  Vardon Grip - Common method of gripping the club where the little finger on the right hand overlaps the forefinger of the left hand  
  Vince W - A golfer renowned for not turning up when he was Captain in 1999 but was admirably replaced by a dummy throughout the tour but did make 2 tour appearances before retiring.  
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  Waggle - Preliminary action before starting your swing, in which you shake your backside, flex your wrists and move the club up and down and forward and backwards several times. Perfected by K O.  
  Water - To be avoided on the course wherever possible and banned from consumption in the bar on tour.  
  Weather Forecast - Long range forecast for tour is flagged well in advance so that players have maximum time for preparing for the likely conditions.  
  Wedge - Clubs most commonly used for lobbing, pitching or escaping from sand. Also name used for member's tour beer money.  
  Where are they now - Only 6 players who have appeared on Ali Club Tours over the past 10 years are no longer associated with the club.  
  Wives - Barred from tour but useful for preparing kit and equipment pre-tour and cleaning post. They like to hear a hole by hole account of the tour when we return home.   
  Woods - Not a good place to hit your balls especially if the bear has been in there. Also the big headed clubs useful for teeing off or spanking your ball down the fairway or out of the rough.  
  Worst Individual Round - A tour trophy at stake for this achievement. - The ultimate golfing web-site, a definitive record of everything connected with the Ali Club.  
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  Xmas Competition - An interactive web-based competition, in 2003, which due to the underwhelming interest it attracted has never been repeated.   
  Xmas Drinks - One of The privileges and duties of being The Ali Club Captain is to host drinks pre-Christmas at his home for the other members and their chosen guests.  
  Xmas Presents - Anything is acceptable except golf novelty gifts as pushed by many retailers at Christmas. They're not for golfers.  
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  Yellow Ball - A dreaded competition on tour requiring players to take it in turn to use a yellow ball and score stableford points for the good of the team. Fortunately now dropped.  
  Yips - Chronic nervous condition which results in compulsive shakes when a player is attempting short putts. Can progress to Teretz Syndrome.   
  Yorkie Bars - Like golf courses, they're not for girls but useful for boosting energy while playing a round.  
  Young Athletes - Fine specimens of Ali Club members who have not attained Senior (50) status  
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  Zoo - The only place an Ali Club member is ever likely to get close to an Albatross.  
  ZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Time for bed said Zeberdee. Some of course go a lot earlier than others, some just never want to go there and some are just incapable of getting there after a hard day on the course and evening in the bar.   
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